The Midlife Weight Conspiracy: Why We All Gain (and What to Do About It)

Science says 70% of women gain weight at midlife. The other 30%? They're probably hiding in the pantry, stress-eating.

It’s one of the cruelest pivots of Mother Nature—just when we need our stress nachos the most, our bodies decide that one nacho is now equivalent to 30,000 nachos in caloric intake. I mean, come on. 

Every woman tells me the same thing: “I’m not eating differently. I eat pretty clean. I work out.” And I believe every single one of them. We’ve proven time and again that overweight people don’t necessarily eat more than genetically skinny people. And yet, here we are, staring down our midlife bellies wondering what the hell happened. 

Why Is Nature Hatin’? 

On average, women gain about 1.5 pounds (0.7 kg) per year during midlife (fifth and sixth decades of life), but I think this is crap because I see women who seem to gain 10 pounds in a year or so.

Now, legit science will tell you it’s due to a mix of hormone changes, aging, lifestyle, and genetic factors. 

But every now and then, science doesn’t do me right, so we need some art. Here’s my completely unscientific list of why I think we truly gain weight:

1. Our ovaries required way more woman-power than we realized. They’ve retired. They’re on a beach somewhere in Key West, sipping mimosas, and maybe—just maybe—they used more fuel than we ever gave them credit for. (ZERO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE OF THIS)

2. We’re absorbing other people’s energies—and they are HEAVY. Maybe it’s energetic fat, not actual fat-fat. (What does Neil Degrasse Tyson say.)

3. The GMO/Monsanto nonsense is finally catching up with us. And it’s all collecting in the midsection. Probably right where we zip our jeans. (Why can’t Gloria Vanderbilt help us now?)

4. It’s a protective layer of blubber to deal with midlife. Like a sea cow or any other wise, resilient, and slightly padded creature who has seen some things. (I mean, who doesn’t love a manatee?) They are a protected species!)

5. We’re not telling enough stories. And that weight is pressing down on us. Women were designed to share stories—around the fire, around the kitchen table, in the group chat. When we stop? It weighs us down. (perhaps you want to write with

Alisa Kennedy Jones

?)

And don’t think men escape this either. Oh no. They get the same thing—we just rebranded it as “dad bod” and somehow made it all cutie-pootie.

So What’s a Midlife Woman to Do?

- Don’t stress! Stress raises cortisol, and cortisol increases belly fat. It’s a cruel trick, but awareness helps.

- Take action before it gets too far gone. That doesn’t mean crash dieting—just tuning in and making small, sustainable shifts.

- Remember that a little extra weight actually makes us look younger. Skinny-minny older ladies can look more wrinkled, while a bit of roundness softens everything.

- Don’t jump from carnivore to autoimmune paleo to the Egyptian Diet in one month. (Okay, I made that last one up, but you get my point.) Midlife bodies need time to right the ship.

- Don’t do extreme “breathatarian” diets, like “some doctors” recommend. Or anything else that sounds too restrictive, like eating only certain colors—such as burnt sienna (my least favorite crayon). Balance, not punishment.

We can use our voices to take up space. A good long chant, a primal yell into a pillow, a full-bodied laugh—these are the things that help us shake off the weight of unspoken frustrations. Teenage girls announce their feelings with gusto. We, however, have mortgages and car payments, so we swallow our stress instead. Maybe it’s time to let it out.

And hey—if we all gain 10 pounds, then... who’s to say we’re all 10 pounds heavier? It just becomes the new normal. Strength in numbers, ladies. Strength. In. Numbers.

Did you miss our Substack Live?

Maybe that’s a good thing. It was our first one and I bet it was a shit show. But we don’t care! We’re midlife women and we’re here for the fuccups (like hiccups but worse). Check the replay cuz it was (how do the Gen Alpha say?) bussin’.

p.s. I am taking a few new patients if you’re interested in working with me! We can work anywhere in the galaxy! Check out our website here

 🛑 CENSORED: MID-LIFE SEX TALK TOO HOT TO HANDLE  

What do you get when you write about sex for everyone, vulvas, libido, and pleasure? Apparently, a one-way ticket to Banned Book Status.  

🥂 Order your copy today and I’ll personally sign it—because the patriarchy shouldn’t get the last word.  

👉 GET YOURS HERE!