Breaking News: AI Can Predict Hot Flashes—But Can It Find My Lost Car Keys?

Ladies, we’ve finally done it. The robots are here—not to overthrow us, but to predict our hot flashes. Because, you know, we couldn’t possibly recognize when we’re melting from the inside out, right?

You’ve probably heard about the latest in FemTech: a new device that promises to predict hot flashes before they happen. That’s right. Because what every menopausal woman needs is more notifications in her life (scheduled summary, anyone?)

Forget the sweat, the sudden urge to rip off every layer of clothing in public, or the spontaneous face-melting glow that says, *“Hey, guess who’s not pregnant but still having mood swings?”* Nope. Apparently, we need a “smart gadget” to tap us on the shoulder and say, “Hey, Brenda, you’re about to turn into a human furnace in T-minus 5 minutes. Better cancel that Zoom call.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for technology. But when it comes to hot flashes, it’s not exactly rocket science. I’ve been in the middle of a meeting, giving a perfectly rational presentation, when suddenly I’m questioning if I’ve been transported to the surface of the sun. I didn’t need a gadget to tell me that. My sweat-drenched blouse was doing just fine, thank you very much.

What’s Next?

At this rate, what’s next? AI predicting when I’ll forget why I walked into a room? (Spoiler: It’s always.) Or maybe a smart fridge that warns me when I’m about to have a menopausal rage moment and hurl a block of cheese at my unsuspecting spouse?

The Silver Lining

But hey, if this magical hot-flash predictor can also tell me when I’m about to cry over a puppy commercial or crave a gallon of ice cream at 2 a.m., then maybe we’re onto something. Or better yet—can it remind me where I left my reading glasses? Or better, better yet, can it predict when “he” is about to say something dumb so I can brace myself accordingly?

And That’s the (Hot) Tea

Until then, I’ll stick with my trusty fan, a cold glass of water, and the sheer willpower of a woman who has survived teenage hormones, childbirth, and low-rise jeans. Because if there’s one thing menopause has taught me, it’s that I don’t need a fancy gadget to tell me when I’m hot—I already know I am.

No idea on the price of such a gadget. I’ll keep my $20 neck fan in a variety of outfit-coordinating colors, naturally.

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